During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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