Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
