remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
