I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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