why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
