I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
