What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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