I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
