i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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