my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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