upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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