I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
