Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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