I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
