fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
