Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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