I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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