he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
