I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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