Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
