Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
