You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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