Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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