You smell like stripper and shame
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
