you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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