Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
