i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
