Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
