Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
