thus making me awesome and them whores
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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