i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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