K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
