he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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