this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I've blown a few things in my day
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
