I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
