I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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