the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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