sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
