dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
