So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
