I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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