I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
