Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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