Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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