I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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