Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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