I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
literally had 100 drinks last night.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
