I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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