I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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