me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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